Bidet

I've been house-sitting at my dad's beautful home. This evening, Lily learned about bidets. I had told her not to use it as a toilet because it was "a little bath." Intrigued, she snuck upstairs while I was making dinner, determined to take a little bath on her own. Her screams got me running. She had turned the faucet on full blast so the water shot straight up onto the ceiling, showering the walls and flooding the bathroom floor (sorry, Dad). I don't know much about bidet use, but I can't imagine how a human being could require (or enjoy)the potential power wash a bidet seems to offer.

Judges Do It Too

June 30 2006 at 09:59PM

Bristow, Oklahoma - A US jury has sentenced an
Oklahoma judge to one year in prison for using a penis
pump on the bench during three murder trials and a
civil case in 2002 and 2003.

Donald D Thompson, 59, was convicted on Thursday and
fined $10 000 (about R130 000) for each count.
Thompson told the jury he would also lose his $90
000-a-year pension.

The verdict, which exposed the judge's
behind-the-bench secrets, capped a bizarre and awkward
chapter in the state's judicial history.

Thompson's longtime court reporter, Lisa Foster, wept
on the stand as she recalled how she discovered the
source of a "sh-sh" sound in the courtroom. She said
she spied Thompson's penis inside the pump through a
small gap between a drawer and a door.

'I should have thrown it away, but I didn't'
Foster said she later saw Thompson's penis 15 to 20
times over the course of three years. She also saw him
shave his scrotum and urinate into a trashcan behind
the bench.

"I was really shocked and kind of scared, because it
was so bizarre," Foster said. "I didn't know what to
do."

The defence maintained that the charges were part of a
vendetta by local police to overthrow Thompson.

The judge denied ever using the pump - a device used
in the hope of enlarging the penis or combating
erectile dysfunction - saying it was a joke gift from
his best friend in 2001.

He said he moved the pump back and forth between his
bench and chambers but never used it on his penis.

"Twenty-twenty hindsight: I should have thrown it
away, but I didn't," Thompson said.

The white-handled pump sat on an evidence table in
front of the jury throughout the trial, and both the
prosecution and defence at times picked it up and
squeezed the handle for effect.

Jurors also heard court reporter's tapes from each
trial, and a rhythmic, high-pitched whoosh of air
punctuated emotional witness testimony in the murder
trials.

Testimony in the judge's trial drew giggles and
embarrassed glances from jurors and the gallery in
this conservative Oklahoma hamlet, 96km north-east of
Oklahoma City.

Several witnesses said Thompson often made himself at
home behind the bench, removing his shoes to shine
them and clip his toenails, spitting tobacco into a
cup and fidgeting with an electronic organiser. - Sapa-AFP

Good Man, You

I'm really proud of Warren Buffett for giving 31 billion dollars to the Gates Foundation. When I first read the headline, I was flabbergasted by the idea of having an extra 31 billion dollars to donate. But then I learned that it constitutes 85% of his wealth. He'll still have billions (I think. Damn math. Where's my calculator?) left over, so I suppose it is extra money anyway. But that was really generous. Thank you, Mr. Buffett. I hope it does much good.

The 'Hood

My neighbor Roland recently bought a brand new Land-N-Sea cruiser. It's a cross between a 30 foot motor home and a catamaran. I know this because he has parked it outside his ramshackle house. He had to put it half-way on the side walk so it wouldn't block the street. I suppose that was considerate, at least to the cars. The boat is called a "Lil' Hobo," but he spent the other afternoon carefully removing the "b" and the "o." I suppose "Lil' Ho" does blend in better with the neighborhood.

Signs of Dependence

My vicodin instruction sheet told me to watch for signs of dependence. Apparently those signs include "feeling that you cannot live without this medicine." A most helpful example.

The Toe

I broke my big toe the other morning...Lily had "watered" the stairs. Luckily it didn't happen on 6/6/06 or else I might have become suspicious that she was the Omen child.

I really enjoyed the four hours I spent in the emergency room. Seriously. I knew it would take a while so I brought my book, and essentially viewed it as much needed quiet time. It was also really slow in the ER - aside from my toe, there was just one woman having a heart attack, so I didn't mind waiting patiently for my turn.

The hospital chaplain came to visit me. "So, are you The Toe?"
"Yes, I suppose I am"
He asked me how I was doing and if I needed to talk about it.
"You mean talk about my toe? Well, it hurts, but I think I'll make it through this"
"I'm sure you will."

Narration

Perhaps because they are so thrilled with the new things they can do – or because they want to make full use of their expanding verbal skills, 3 year olds tend to narrate their every move. They don’t just run, for example they do so while screaming, "I’m running!!!"

Lily and I were at a local pizza joint recently when she announced (loudly, holding her self front and back) that she had to go to the bathroom (really badly!). We entered one of the several stalls in the women’s bathroom and her narration began at full volume.

"Mom, I have to poop.....I’m going to push really hard......unnnnnnnnnnngh......unnnnnnnngh..... (her face turns bright red. I start to giggle, as do the several women in the adjoining stalls).
"It’s coming, mommy!!........Oh wow, I got a really big one out!!!....... Am I making you laugh, mommy?..... No, I’m not done, a got a lot more poop in me......I’m going to push really, really hard again......oh, I need to rest a little bit (big sigh)..... okay now I’m going to push again.....there’s another poop, mommy!......Why are you laughing, mommy?....Okay, I’m all done.....You can wipe my butt.

Now why didn't I think of that?

I wonder if they come in rugged/sport style for outdoorsy, country dogs, cause those little wheels won't work well on dirt roads or trails, or across a meadow for that matter.

And they should make a jog stroller version for dogs who like to go running.

If your dog needs one, you can purchase it here.

Me Allotting the Ordinary

I don't normally read spam mail, but I was intrigued by the title of this one (now the title of this blog). I can't remember what was being solicited, but I did find this below the advertisement. I am suspicious that Jon Sadler wrote it. Note the inclusion of his name below. It may be a clue.


...Here among pillows enough for six I soon fell asleep in a blissful condition
Why you see we wasnt aware sir returned the waiter still apologetically as
demeanour He never made a suggestion but once and on that occasion I dont know what put
as he can look at me out of his two eyes Is he indeed said Mr Wilkins
What a delightful and trichinella entertainment Sadler My bellwether young Davy
proposal so very ungraciously that he never ventured on a second but ever afterwards confined...

Mendocino

Today

I walked on the beach (in the rain)
Did yoga (and only fell over a few times)
Soaked in a hot bath (while watching wind blow through the garden, listening to cello concertos)
Slept for three hours (on a really soft mattress, under a thick poofy comforter, with fresh sheets)
Walked on the headlands (as waves crashed below)
Ate dinner with friends (good friends)

That was my whole day.
It was simple and good.

Real Problems

I write an advice column for young girls. Today I came across this.

Dear Auntie Em,
I am absolutley drop dead gorgeouse and I know it but everyone tells me that it's not a good thing to know i'm pretty. But how is that not a good thing when I'm just telling the truth? I can't help that everyone thinks I'm beautiful but I think my friends are getting mad at me but I don't understand why. I think they are just jealouse. Should I just find new friends?? please help ~Makayla~ <<< even my name is beutiful!! :D

Interesting

More than 60 percent of Britons use items such as screwdrivers, scissors and earrings to remove food from between their teeth, according to a survey published Friday.

The National Dental Survey found that, when it came to oral hygiene, people used whatever was close to hand to pick their teeth.

More than 60 percent questioned by the British Dental Health Foundation said they used makeshift items, including knives, keys, needles and forks.

The survey also found that 23 percent of people chose to leave food stuck between their teeth, increasing the risk of gum disease and bad breath, according to the foundation which promotes oral health.

History

In an effort to soothe the savage beasts in the back seat of the car (I was afraid that strapping them down was insufficient), I put on a Cat Stevens tape. It's a home made tape I made in high school, which if you know how old I am, means it's really old (and perhaps indicates my need for high sound quality and my... ah... conservationist nature). Anyway, as the music played, I heard the tell-tale sound of intermittent static - the result of an overly dusty needle playing over a vinyl record. And it hit me - I had made this tape recording from a Cat Stevens record my mom had bought in the 1970s. I liked that. I didn't mention it to the kids though. It would have involved a long explanation about what vinyl records were, and they were quietly listening to the music.

Done

No more lessons, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks.

Until August.

Equality

I've been thinking about this gate thing between the U.S. and Mexico. It occured to me that it could be a great equalizing factor for the United States, because then we would ALL be living in a gated community.

Finals

I started this blog last semester when I should have been studying for finals.

I'm studying for finals again. Maybe if I blog more and study less I'll do as well as I did last time.

Good Intentions Gone Awry

I went to my law school prom the other weekend. I haven't been to a prom since 1988, so I was prepared to make up for all the years I have suffered through without formal dancing. People don't look very formal at formal dances. I think alcohol has something to do with it.

Shaun had to leave early (1am) so that one of us could be a responsible parent and come home to the kids. Being the ever protective husband, he asked a young man named Blake to keep an eye out for me in his absence. This is a photo of that man around the time when Shaun made that request. Although, in Shaun's favor, I doubt Blake was wearing his drinks at that exact moment.

Law School Fall

I'd heard about the law school fall. It has a lot to do with a heavy backpack full of law books. This morning I experienced it. What should have been a minor trip off the curb, turned into a spectacular roll into the street as my heavy backpack gained momentum while still attached to my back, and hurled me to the ground. I suffered skinned knees, elbows, and hands, and not a little embarassment as people ran to my side, asking if I was alright.

I learned that it takes a really long time to fall to the ground when you're old. Long enough for me to think "oh, I twisted my ankle... no, I really tripped ... hey, wait a minute, I'm falling on the ground.... wow, I just rolled on my back."

Or maybe I'm just a really quick thinker.

Me Too

Last night, Lily whispered in my ear that she needs thousands of dollars.

The Summer Day

I don't know exactly what prayer is.

I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down

into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,

how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,

which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

-- Mary Oliver

I will miss you, Jessica. But I won't forget.