First Crush

My daughter, Lily, has her first crush. She’s three. She has fallen for my cousin Niall. He’s almost 30. Lily is a social and friendly child who has been known to hug and kiss a perfect stranger. But it’s different with Niall. She’s giggly and nervous around him and won’t leave his side. Niall earned Lily’s devotion by joining her for tea. This was a complicated process involving a couple hundred pink and purple beads and a plastic singing teapot. For some reason, she called him “Karen” for a while. Now she refers to him as “the Man.”

Niall told her he had to use the bathroom. Lily ran ahead of him to the guest bathroom. Apparently unaware of the social aspects of toilet use, Niall went the opposite direction. I found Lily sitting atop the commode, wiggling in excited anticipation. When asked if I could use the toilet, Lily responded, “No, mommy. The Man has to go to the bathroom.”
“Who?”
“The Man.”
“Who is the Man?”
“The Man is my friend!”
She was crushed to learn that not only had the Man evaded her company, but also that she would not be allowed to join him. Fortunately, his reappearance quelled any further ado.

Haircutting Umbrella

Though I don't like reading newspapers, I do enjoy perusing the occasional catalog. Especially those which support the inventive spirit. I had never before considered how handy a haircutting umbrella could be. Now I think about it all the time.

If you feel you need one, you can buy it here.

Sad Drips

Lily told me she was sad at Susie's the other day. She said sad drips fell from her eyes.

Lily will be three tomorrow.

G as in God

I spent a few years billing insurance companies for a psychologist. Most of my working time was spent on the phone with customer service or managed care, trying to get claims paid. Inevitably, there would come a time when I had to spell a patient's name. Early on, before I became familiar with the standards of "C as in Charlie" and "N as in Nancy," my spelling practices often resulted in fits of giggles on both ends of the phone line. Or worse, my own mounting laughter was quelled by business-like acknowledgments (or a lack-thereof, depending on how you look at it).

"'G' as in ... ah ... 'God'; 'I' as in 'Insane' (always appropriate as I was dealing with the mental health department); 'D' as in... um... 'Donkey'; 'E' as in 'Egg'; 'O as in 'Octagonal'; and 'N' as in 'Nun'. Gideon."

Though my initial forays in to letter/word association were innocent, I became aware of an opportunity to apply my literary background to my current line of work. Thematic spelling might spark inspiration in the customer service rep who must be as bored with her job as I was. Possibilities seem endless, from the crude: 'H' as in 'Hairy'; 'A' as in 'Anus'; ... to the devine: "'H' as in 'Heaven'; 'A' as in 'Angels'....

My stepfather, Patrick, apparently has a similar "problem" with letter/word association. My mother came up with a simple, yet ingenious solution, which I believe can be universally applied.
"Patrick. That's
'P' as in 'Patrick',
'A' as in 'Atrick',
'T' as in 'Trick',
'R' as in 'Rick',
'I' as in 'Ick', and
'CK' as in 'Cuh'.

Man Van

I generally don't like to read newspapers because they don't make me laugh. But the other day I came across two items worthy of note. First was in a letter to Dear Abby. A man was troubled over his nephew's requirement that anyone who wished to come to his wedding had to submit a 75 word essay detailing the reasons why s/he should be invited. A unique and clever way to develop an intimate guest list. Even Dear Abby thought so.

Second item: Terri Hatcher, Desperate Housewife, was suing some foreign paper for slander. Apparently the paper reported that she keeps a van full of men parked outside her Los Angeles home to service her sexual needs. They don't go into her house, she just climbs into the van with them. I believe the story. So I guess it's a good thing that she's suing.