Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Nice Mommy, but...
Lily this morning: My mommy is a nice mommy. (Big Sigh, shaking her head), except she won't cut the crusts off my toast.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Tourettes without Regrets
I came across a flier for the Anarchist Slam "Tourettes without Regrets" that takes place in Oakland at the beginning of each month. It includes freestyle rap battle, hardcore slam poetry, dirty haikus, and my favorite: audience contests which have included milk vomiting, organ-meat hurling, and do-it-yourself Poloroid puppet pornography. I really really want to go. Who's coming?
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Memory
When I was at Berkeley, I did an unofficial (and private) survey of the bathroom facilities on campus. During my four years there, I tried to use the bathroom in each building. Some were modern and dingy, others were marbled and dingy. Modern bathrooms tended to have better grafitti - pen works better on metal stalls than marbled walls-- and of those, Dwinell Hall, where much of the English department was housed, had the most interesting grafitti - although the philosophy building was certainly in the running.
This morning when I awoke, a bathroom poem I read 15+ years ago suddenly popped into my head.
"Some come here to sit and think,
and some come here to shit and stink.
But I come here to scratch my balls
and read the writing on the walls."
After I congratulated myself upon my remarkable memory, I then wondered why the heck that little ditty has remained so long in my brain, verbatim, while if you asked me to tell you the general plot from one of the many great works of literature I read during undergrad, I'd have to get back to you after I refreshed my memory with a back-of-the-book blurb.
I'm still wondering.
This morning when I awoke, a bathroom poem I read 15+ years ago suddenly popped into my head.
"Some come here to sit and think,
and some come here to shit and stink.
But I come here to scratch my balls
and read the writing on the walls."
After I congratulated myself upon my remarkable memory, I then wondered why the heck that little ditty has remained so long in my brain, verbatim, while if you asked me to tell you the general plot from one of the many great works of literature I read during undergrad, I'd have to get back to you after I refreshed my memory with a back-of-the-book blurb.
I'm still wondering.
My future grandchildren
Lily told me this morning that she can't wait to have babies, that she is going to have three and their names will be "Naughty," "Funny" and "Stupid Head".
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Confusion
The other day, Molly asked, "Is Jesus Butthead, or is Butthead Jesus?"
Her confusion can be explained by our kitchen decor.
Her confusion can be explained by our kitchen decor.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Graffiti
This morning on BART, I saw scratched into the window sill next to my seat:
NEENER
NEENER
NEENER
Subtle, and yet straight to the point.
NEENER
NEENER
NEENER
Subtle, and yet straight to the point.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
I can't think of a more manly way to die
A school chum of mine told me today that his great-grandfather recently died at age 85. He suffered a heart-attack while manning a jack-hammer.
Friday, January 19, 2007
I confess, and I'm not even Catholic
In criminal law this week we learned about the bystander effect via a case in which a woman was brutally stabbed to death over the course of about half an hour while at least 38 people who heard her screams did nothing. The bystander effect being the belief that someone else is surely taking action, ergo, no one takes action. (yes, I did just use 'ergo' and I haven't even ever taken Latin, and I actually didn't learn it in law school).
I learned about this effect in college in a social psych class. Because of it I generally take action.
Except I didn't on the 23rd of December (do you remember?). At JFK, wating in line to check in at Jet Blue, hoping that I still might make my flight that was supposed to leave 20 minutes ago, I didn't report the suspicious computer bag that had been left unattended near the line. I touched it with my foot. I thought about reporting it, as all good amercans are supposed to report suspicious, potential bomb-carrying items since 9/11. But I then I thought again. If I report this unattended item, the area will likely have to be secured and I surely won't make my flight and get home in time for Christmas, and fuck it, I've been travelling since early the previous morning and I'll take the risk that this potential bomb will explode after I get my ticket and get on the plane and at least MY Christmas won't be ruined.
I think this was the bystander effect in reverse: no one else has reported the bag, so I guess it's okay if I don't report it either.
Later, when I had almost reached the ticket counter, I overheard a woman behind me comment "I think I should report this!" But she was stopped by the gentleman next to her who pointed out that if she did, none of us would make our flights. That seemed to quell her patriotic sense of duty.
Luckily, there were no explosions at JFK this Christmas, and some poor traveller is really bummed that s/he left her computer behind.
I learned about this effect in college in a social psych class. Because of it I generally take action.
Except I didn't on the 23rd of December (do you remember?). At JFK, wating in line to check in at Jet Blue, hoping that I still might make my flight that was supposed to leave 20 minutes ago, I didn't report the suspicious computer bag that had been left unattended near the line. I touched it with my foot. I thought about reporting it, as all good amercans are supposed to report suspicious, potential bomb-carrying items since 9/11. But I then I thought again. If I report this unattended item, the area will likely have to be secured and I surely won't make my flight and get home in time for Christmas, and fuck it, I've been travelling since early the previous morning and I'll take the risk that this potential bomb will explode after I get my ticket and get on the plane and at least MY Christmas won't be ruined.
I think this was the bystander effect in reverse: no one else has reported the bag, so I guess it's okay if I don't report it either.
Later, when I had almost reached the ticket counter, I overheard a woman behind me comment "I think I should report this!" But she was stopped by the gentleman next to her who pointed out that if she did, none of us would make our flights. That seemed to quell her patriotic sense of duty.
Luckily, there were no explosions at JFK this Christmas, and some poor traveller is really bummed that s/he left her computer behind.
Well I really hate to post above Dance Off!, but WOW!
Woman, 27, found after two decades lost in jungle
by Ian MacKinnon, South-east Asia correspondent
Friday January 19, 2007
The Guardian
A woman who went missing 19 years ago as an eight-year-old in the remote jungles of Cambodia has reappeared after apparently living rough and scavenging food for almost two decades.
The woman, thought to be Rochom Pngieng, who would now be 27, was discovered by villagers who noticed that food was going missing and set a trap, only to discover her naked and painfully thin.
But the woman speaks no intelligible language, making it almost impossible to verify what would be a remarkable sequence of events. Her long absence and years spent in the dense forest leave many questions unanswered.Medical experts received permission from her parents to take DNA samples in an effort to confirm the woman's identity, but her father is convinced it is his long-lost daughter because of a prominent scar received from a knife wound as a child.
"When I saw her, she was naked and walking in a bending-forward position like a monkey ... She was bare-bones skinny," her father, Sal Lou, 45, told the Associated Press.
"She was shaking and picking up grains of rice from the ground to eat. Her eyes were red like tigers' eyes."
The girl disappeared in about 1988 while tending a herd of buffalo in an isolated region 200 miles from the Cambodian capital, Phnom Penh, on the border with Vietnam's rugged central highlands.
The woman was described as "half-human and half-animal" by Mao San, police chief of Oyadao district.
But her father, who believed she had long ago been killed by forest animals, said he recognised his daughter instantly, despite her blackened body and wild hair down to her waist.
Yet communication with the woman has proved virtually impossible, apart from sign language. When she was hungry, Mr Lou said, she simply patted her stomach. She has also found readjusting to normal life difficult, according to her father. She has resisted wearing clothes and bathing, fending him off by shouting and screaming.
"If she is not sleeping, she just sits and glances left and right, left and right," he said. "It is not easy indeed but life is waiting ahead for her."
by Ian MacKinnon, South-east Asia correspondent
Friday January 19, 2007
The Guardian
A woman who went missing 19 years ago as an eight-year-old in the remote jungles of Cambodia has reappeared after apparently living rough and scavenging food for almost two decades.
The woman, thought to be Rochom Pngieng, who would now be 27, was discovered by villagers who noticed that food was going missing and set a trap, only to discover her naked and painfully thin.
But the woman speaks no intelligible language, making it almost impossible to verify what would be a remarkable sequence of events. Her long absence and years spent in the dense forest leave many questions unanswered.Medical experts received permission from her parents to take DNA samples in an effort to confirm the woman's identity, but her father is convinced it is his long-lost daughter because of a prominent scar received from a knife wound as a child.
"When I saw her, she was naked and walking in a bending-forward position like a monkey ... She was bare-bones skinny," her father, Sal Lou, 45, told the Associated Press.
"She was shaking and picking up grains of rice from the ground to eat. Her eyes were red like tigers' eyes."
The girl disappeared in about 1988 while tending a herd of buffalo in an isolated region 200 miles from the Cambodian capital, Phnom Penh, on the border with Vietnam's rugged central highlands.
The woman was described as "half-human and half-animal" by Mao San, police chief of Oyadao district.
But her father, who believed she had long ago been killed by forest animals, said he recognised his daughter instantly, despite her blackened body and wild hair down to her waist.
Yet communication with the woman has proved virtually impossible, apart from sign language. When she was hungry, Mr Lou said, she simply patted her stomach. She has also found readjusting to normal life difficult, according to her father. She has resisted wearing clothes and bathing, fending him off by shouting and screaming.
"If she is not sleeping, she just sits and glances left and right, left and right," he said. "It is not easy indeed but life is waiting ahead for her."
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Oops
SYDNEY, Jan 4 (Reuters Life!) - An Australian bank has apologized for issuing a credit card to a cat after its owner decided to test the bank's identity security system.
The Bank of Queensland issued a credit card to Messiah the cat when his owner Katherine Campbell applied for a secondary card on her account under its name.
"I just couldn't believe it. People need to be aware of this and banks need to have better security," Campbell told local media on Thursday.
The bank said the cat's card had been canceled. "We apologize as this should not have happened," it said in a statement.
The Bank of Queensland issued a credit card to Messiah the cat when his owner Katherine Campbell applied for a secondary card on her account under its name.
"I just couldn't believe it. People need to be aware of this and banks need to have better security," Campbell told local media on Thursday.
The bank said the cat's card had been canceled. "We apologize as this should not have happened," it said in a statement.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
The Heart Attack Grill
If you happen to be in Tempe Arizona, please go to the Heart Attack Grill for me. Customers are called "Patients" and if you eat a Quadruple Bypass Burger (four half-pound beef patties, four pieces of cheese, and a mound of bacon), a waitress dressed in a skimpy "nurse" uniform will push you to your car in a wheelchair at no additional charge. Sounds like fun to me.
According to the SF Chronicle (my reference source of choice), some nurses have been lobbying against the grill's use of the sexy nurse uniform. In fact they are threatening to sue. The spokesperson for the Center for Nursing Advocacy said, "Nurses are the most sexually fantasized-about profession. We're asking people, if they're going to have these fantasies, please don't make it so public. Move these sexual fantasies to other professions."
That sounds reasonable to me. Let's see. What are some under-sexualized professions that need spicing up.... Politicians? That's actually the only one I can think of, although Clinton may have changed the image a bit, at least for men.
On the otherhand, grill owner, John Basso made a good point: "If anything, I think it glorifies nurses to be thought of as a physically attractive and desireable individual... Nobody wants to think of themselves as some old battle ax who changes bedpans for a living."
Righto.
According to the SF Chronicle (my reference source of choice), some nurses have been lobbying against the grill's use of the sexy nurse uniform. In fact they are threatening to sue. The spokesperson for the Center for Nursing Advocacy said, "Nurses are the most sexually fantasized-about profession. We're asking people, if they're going to have these fantasies, please don't make it so public. Move these sexual fantasies to other professions."
That sounds reasonable to me. Let's see. What are some under-sexualized professions that need spicing up.... Politicians? That's actually the only one I can think of, although Clinton may have changed the image a bit, at least for men.
On the otherhand, grill owner, John Basso made a good point: "If anything, I think it glorifies nurses to be thought of as a physically attractive and desireable individual... Nobody wants to think of themselves as some old battle ax who changes bedpans for a living."
Righto.
Michiginian in New York, as interrogated by Jess and Emily
Jess: So, where are you from?
Michiginian: Well, I consider New York my home.
Emily: Oh, so were you born here?
Michiginian: Well, no. But I have been here a long time, and I really feel like a New Yorker.
Jess: Really? How long have you been here?
Michiginian: About five years, but I lived here before and then moved away for a while.
Emily: Well, where do your parents live?
Michiginian: In Michigan.
Emily: I see, and is that where you grew up?
Michiginian: Well, I lived there as a kid, but I've really spent most of my adult life in New York.
Jess: So, you're really from Michigan.
Michiginian: Well, I consider New York my home.
Emily: Oh, so were you born here?
Michiginian: Well, no. But I have been here a long time, and I really feel like a New Yorker.
Jess: Really? How long have you been here?
Michiginian: About five years, but I lived here before and then moved away for a while.
Emily: Well, where do your parents live?
Michiginian: In Michigan.
Emily: I see, and is that where you grew up?
Michiginian: Well, I lived there as a kid, but I've really spent most of my adult life in New York.
Jess: So, you're really from Michigan.
My Children
Lily was running around the house gleefully, wearing nothing but a stethoscope around her waist. Molly, stethoscope owner, tried to grab it off of Lily, which resulted in a fight. In her defense, Molly explained, "But mom, I really wanted to amplify the sound of my fart!"
Monday, December 25, 2006
A true story from Ireland
Pat meets up with a bunch of old friends in the pub. One, let's call him John, introduces Pat to his wife, a woman of rather large proportions. Pat says hello, then rejoins his other buddies. Mick leans over to Pat and says,
"Sure now, you've heard John's been having trouble with his wife?"
Pat says no, ready to hear a story about the usual marital issues - fighting, adultery, etc.
"Well, the other day, she was going down the stairs and didn't she get stuck between the bannister and the wall. They had to call the fire department to get her out."
"Sure now, you've heard John's been having trouble with his wife?"
Pat says no, ready to hear a story about the usual marital issues - fighting, adultery, etc.
"Well, the other day, she was going down the stairs and didn't she get stuck between the bannister and the wall. They had to call the fire department to get her out."
Monday, December 11, 2006
New York - opening scene
Jessica and I are visiting my sister Amanda in New York this weekend. It all started off well, with Jess and I arriving at Penn Station at 5pm on Saturday. We emerged to the surface, me toting my coffin-sized wheelie bag, only to find that the weekend holiday revelers had beat us there and we (my bag, that is) didn't fit on the sidewalk. A friendly Irish gentleman asked me (unsolicited, because the Irish are like that) if I needed any help. I thanked him, but said no. He then warned me to look out for police officers because they were likely to arrest me for having a bag so large in this part of town. Ha Ha.
I can blame Eliza for my torment since my bag is only so large because I'm transporting necessary goods to her in Ireland.
We called Amanda to verify which subway train to take to her neighborhood. Unfortunately, the choices were "E" "D" or "3", and my cell phone connection was poor. So, Jess and I walked down the block to a hotel and had the hotel person hail us a cab.
I can blame Eliza for my torment since my bag is only so large because I'm transporting necessary goods to her in Ireland.
We called Amanda to verify which subway train to take to her neighborhood. Unfortunately, the choices were "E" "D" or "3", and my cell phone connection was poor. So, Jess and I walked down the block to a hotel and had the hotel person hail us a cab.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Federal Court Cites Ludacris
United States v. Murphy, 406 F.3d 857
On the evening of May 29, 2003, Hayden was smoking crack with three other folks at a trailer park home on Chain of Rocks Road in Granite City, Illinois. Murphy, Sr., who had sold drugs to Hayden several years earlier, showed up later that night. He was friendly at first, but he soon called Hayden a "snitch bitch hoe" n1 and hit her in the head with the back of his hand. He said he saw her name in discovery materials from his son's criminal case and that she was responsible for putting him in jail. He put a gun -- a small chrome-plated one -- to her head and said he was going to kill her for putting his son in jail. He said this would be her last night and her body would be found in a ditch. Murphy then placed several calls, telling Hayden he was calling his people to get someone to dispose of her car.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - Footnotes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
n1 The trial transcript quotes Ms. Hayden as saying Murphy called her a snitch bitch "hoe." A "hoe," of course, is a tool used for weeding and gardening. We think the court reporter, unfamiliar with rap music (perhaps thankfully so), misunderstood Hayden's response. We have taken the liberty of changing "hoe" to "ho," a staple of rap music vernacular as, for example, when Ludacris raps "You doin' ho activities with ho tendencies."
On the evening of May 29, 2003, Hayden was smoking crack with three other folks at a trailer park home on Chain of Rocks Road in Granite City, Illinois. Murphy, Sr., who had sold drugs to Hayden several years earlier, showed up later that night. He was friendly at first, but he soon called Hayden a "snitch bitch hoe" n1 and hit her in the head with the back of his hand. He said he saw her name in discovery materials from his son's criminal case and that she was responsible for putting him in jail. He put a gun -- a small chrome-plated one -- to her head and said he was going to kill her for putting his son in jail. He said this would be her last night and her body would be found in a ditch. Murphy then placed several calls, telling Hayden he was calling his people to get someone to dispose of her car.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - Footnotes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
n1 The trial transcript quotes Ms. Hayden as saying Murphy called her a snitch bitch "hoe." A "hoe," of course, is a tool used for weeding and gardening. We think the court reporter, unfamiliar with rap music (perhaps thankfully so), misunderstood Hayden's response. We have taken the liberty of changing "hoe" to "ho," a staple of rap music vernacular as, for example, when Ludacris raps "You doin' ho activities with ho tendencies."
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
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