A true story from Ireland

Pat meets up with a bunch of old friends in the pub. One, let's call him John, introduces Pat to his wife, a woman of rather large proportions. Pat says hello, then rejoins his other buddies. Mick leans over to Pat and says,

"Sure now, you've heard John's been having trouble with his wife?"

Pat says no, ready to hear a story about the usual marital issues - fighting, adultery, etc.

"Well, the other day, she was going down the stairs and didn't she get stuck between the bannister and the wall. They had to call the fire department to get her out."

New York - opening scene

Jessica and I are visiting my sister Amanda in New York this weekend. It all started off well, with Jess and I arriving at Penn Station at 5pm on Saturday. We emerged to the surface, me toting my coffin-sized wheelie bag, only to find that the weekend holiday revelers had beat us there and we (my bag, that is) didn't fit on the sidewalk. A friendly Irish gentleman asked me (unsolicited, because the Irish are like that) if I needed any help. I thanked him, but said no. He then warned me to look out for police officers because they were likely to arrest me for having a bag so large in this part of town. Ha Ha.

I can blame Eliza for my torment since my bag is only so large because I'm transporting necessary goods to her in Ireland.

We called Amanda to verify which subway train to take to her neighborhood. Unfortunately, the choices were "E" "D" or "3", and my cell phone connection was poor. So, Jess and I walked down the block to a hotel and had the hotel person hail us a cab.

Federal Court Cites Ludacris

United States v. Murphy, 406 F.3d 857

On the evening of May 29, 2003, Hayden was smoking crack with three other folks at a trailer park home on Chain of Rocks Road in Granite City, Illinois. Murphy, Sr., who had sold drugs to Hayden several years earlier, showed up later that night. He was friendly at first, but he soon called Hayden a "snitch bitch hoe" n1 and hit her in the head with the back of his hand. He said he saw her name in discovery materials from his son's criminal case and that she was responsible for putting him in jail. He put a gun -- a small chrome-plated one -- to her head and said he was going to kill her for putting his son in jail. He said this would be her last night and her body would be found in a ditch. Murphy then placed several calls, telling Hayden he was calling his people to get someone to dispose of her car.

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n1 The trial transcript quotes Ms. Hayden as saying Murphy called her a snitch bitch "hoe." A "hoe," of course, is a tool used for weeding and gardening. We think the court reporter, unfamiliar with rap music (perhaps thankfully so), misunderstood Hayden's response. We have taken the liberty of changing "hoe" to "ho," a staple of rap music vernacular as, for example, when Ludacris raps "You doin' ho activities with ho tendencies."

Happiness

Tee Hee Hee

Today I saw a little person. He was getting into his Mini.

Lily

This morning I asked Lily how she was going to be at school today.
"Difficult."

Very Low Food Security

The USDA has decided to drop the term "hungry" from its report measuring American's access to food. Instead, people who have trouble putting food on the table (for financial reasons - not due to physical difficulties/ergonomics; e.g., short person trying to put food on a very tall table) will now be referred to as having very low food security.

I think that will clear things up.

Tiptoes

I recently purchased a stuffed animal as a gift for my new nephew, Jamie. I'm usually a giver of books, but this toy was so soft and cuddly that I couldn't resist. It happened to be a beaver wearing ballet slippers, named "Tiptoes".

Tiptoes has not yet made it into the arms of my nephew because everyone in my family likes Tiptoes so much. Unfortunately, no one refers to Tiptoes by name.

Everyone comments on it: "Wow, this beaver is so soft and squishy!"
My girls fight over it: "It's MY beaver!" "No, it's MY beaver!"
Even Gramma Susan likes it: "I'm going to grab your beaver!"

I personally can't take the commentary any more and am going to send the beaver off to Ireland post haste.

Bingo Bugle

This weekend I came across the East Bay publication, Bingo Bugle. Thirty-two news pages of pure Bingo-related items. I had no idea...

Accidents do happen...

I recently read a case concerning a member of the military who was convicted of murdering his wife. They had an argument and as she was driving away, he shot her using a sniper rifle from a distance of about 200 yards. He claimed it was an accident. Apparently, the jury didn't believe him.

More, please?

Lily was wondering why parents need to work when spending time at home with the family is the clearly better option. I tried to explain to her that parents need to work to earn money to pay for the house, etc. I liked Lily's solution to the problem:

"When you go to work, just say, 'please, may I have some more money for my house?' and then you can come home."

I don't get it

Bloomingdales opened in San Francisco this week. I only know this because I passed it on my way to school and people had lined up around a city block, waiting for the store to open. Hundreds of people. It's just another store selling shit people don't need. The shit will still be there after opening day. There will be future sales on the shit. I just don't get it. Is shopping for entertainment even more entertaining when one does it with hordes of people who storm the building en masse, like ants on a piece of turkey?

Geek Alert?

I asked Molly, my almost-eight-year-old, who she's been playing with at school.

"Andrea, but our games are getting kind of boring and she never just wants to hang out and talk. So today I talked to Clare."

"Oh, and what did you talk about?"

"Dental care."

I'll admit it, this advice will work for just about any problem.

I write the diary of a 13 year old girl for a website. Each week she asks the readers for advice. Once in a while, she gets a gem:

You can Talk to a cat about your problem then strangle it so it wont tell anybody then throw it in a lake for safe keeping just in case. Send me 100 bucks while you're at it because you got to admit that's good advice. Box face.

Jessica, age 11

Silent Scream

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!

Sugar and Spice

Lily came up and gave me a snuggle and a kiss the other morning, and I told her she was a nice little girl. She responded in a sing-song, "I'm nice. But not for lo-ong."

Fall is Here

The weather changed over night. Cool air, strong breeze, warm sun set low in the sky. I love fall.

Lawn Update

It looks like my neighbor has decided to be a bit more proactive about growing his lawn. He added several additional clumps of crab grass around the new patch. I estimate that this will reduce the completion time by at least a year, maybe two.

Lawn in the 'Hood

For four years now, I have been watching my neighbor slowly grow his lawn. I laughed when I first noticed he had planted a small clump of crab grass in the center of a square of dirt on one side of his walkway. But he watered it diligently through the summers, and even ran his electric mower over that little patch every week to keep it nice and trim. Now, four years later, it has spread almost completely to the edges. By the end of next summer, he will have a solid bit of lawn.

This summer, after killing off the weeds and carefully turning the soil, he planted a single clump of crab grass on the other side of his walkway. In another five years (assuming the other side doesn't die off before then) he should have a beautiful lawn spanning the front of his home.

I've reasoned that he chose this method for economic reasons, or perhaps convenience. He could have procured the clump from a friend, or maybe from his back yard. I've never planted a lawn myself -- maybe seeds are expensive? Or hard to come by?

What I really want to know is why he didn't plant both sides at the same time. Ten years seems like an awfully long time to wait for a lawn.

Irritating Magnets

My children really like to be near me. I guess that's generally a good thing, but there are times when their insistent proximity begins to feel claustrophobic. Take for instance this summer when we went camping alongside the Consumnes river. I was sitting happily in my lawn chair, enjoying the sunshine except for the fact that Molly and Lily were fighting over my lap. Wishing for a bit of peace, I suggested they fill a big bucket with wet sand and build a castle. The girls dragged the bucket down the bank to the river, filled it with water and wet sand, and with herculean effort, dragged the bucket all the way back up the sandy bank and placed it about six inches from my right leg. Then they climbed in and started jumping, splashing mud all over me.

"Ah, Molly?"
"Yeah?"
"We have an entire beach to ourselves. Why don't you move that somewhere else."
"Oh. Sorry."

She moved it. About two feet behind me. An improvement, yes, but I don't think my point got across.