Accidents do happen...

I recently read a case concerning a member of the military who was convicted of murdering his wife. They had an argument and as she was driving away, he shot her using a sniper rifle from a distance of about 200 yards. He claimed it was an accident. Apparently, the jury didn't believe him.

More, please?

Lily was wondering why parents need to work when spending time at home with the family is the clearly better option. I tried to explain to her that parents need to work to earn money to pay for the house, etc. I liked Lily's solution to the problem:

"When you go to work, just say, 'please, may I have some more money for my house?' and then you can come home."

I don't get it

Bloomingdales opened in San Francisco this week. I only know this because I passed it on my way to school and people had lined up around a city block, waiting for the store to open. Hundreds of people. It's just another store selling shit people don't need. The shit will still be there after opening day. There will be future sales on the shit. I just don't get it. Is shopping for entertainment even more entertaining when one does it with hordes of people who storm the building en masse, like ants on a piece of turkey?

Geek Alert?

I asked Molly, my almost-eight-year-old, who she's been playing with at school.

"Andrea, but our games are getting kind of boring and she never just wants to hang out and talk. So today I talked to Clare."

"Oh, and what did you talk about?"

"Dental care."

I'll admit it, this advice will work for just about any problem.

I write the diary of a 13 year old girl for a website. Each week she asks the readers for advice. Once in a while, she gets a gem:

You can Talk to a cat about your problem then strangle it so it wont tell anybody then throw it in a lake for safe keeping just in case. Send me 100 bucks while you're at it because you got to admit that's good advice. Box face.

Jessica, age 11

Silent Scream

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!

Sugar and Spice

Lily came up and gave me a snuggle and a kiss the other morning, and I told her she was a nice little girl. She responded in a sing-song, "I'm nice. But not for lo-ong."

Fall is Here

The weather changed over night. Cool air, strong breeze, warm sun set low in the sky. I love fall.

Lawn Update

It looks like my neighbor has decided to be a bit more proactive about growing his lawn. He added several additional clumps of crab grass around the new patch. I estimate that this will reduce the completion time by at least a year, maybe two.

Lawn in the 'Hood

For four years now, I have been watching my neighbor slowly grow his lawn. I laughed when I first noticed he had planted a small clump of crab grass in the center of a square of dirt on one side of his walkway. But he watered it diligently through the summers, and even ran his electric mower over that little patch every week to keep it nice and trim. Now, four years later, it has spread almost completely to the edges. By the end of next summer, he will have a solid bit of lawn.

This summer, after killing off the weeds and carefully turning the soil, he planted a single clump of crab grass on the other side of his walkway. In another five years (assuming the other side doesn't die off before then) he should have a beautiful lawn spanning the front of his home.

I've reasoned that he chose this method for economic reasons, or perhaps convenience. He could have procured the clump from a friend, or maybe from his back yard. I've never planted a lawn myself -- maybe seeds are expensive? Or hard to come by?

What I really want to know is why he didn't plant both sides at the same time. Ten years seems like an awfully long time to wait for a lawn.

Irritating Magnets

My children really like to be near me. I guess that's generally a good thing, but there are times when their insistent proximity begins to feel claustrophobic. Take for instance this summer when we went camping alongside the Consumnes river. I was sitting happily in my lawn chair, enjoying the sunshine except for the fact that Molly and Lily were fighting over my lap. Wishing for a bit of peace, I suggested they fill a big bucket with wet sand and build a castle. The girls dragged the bucket down the bank to the river, filled it with water and wet sand, and with herculean effort, dragged the bucket all the way back up the sandy bank and placed it about six inches from my right leg. Then they climbed in and started jumping, splashing mud all over me.

"Ah, Molly?"
"Yeah?"
"We have an entire beach to ourselves. Why don't you move that somewhere else."
"Oh. Sorry."

She moved it. About two feet behind me. An improvement, yes, but I don't think my point got across.

Happy Gilmore was more dumber

"'Big Daddy" is one of Adam Sandler's more smarter movies."
--Lynn, online movie reviewer

I'm back

Really.

Bidet

I've been house-sitting at my dad's beautful home. This evening, Lily learned about bidets. I had told her not to use it as a toilet because it was "a little bath." Intrigued, she snuck upstairs while I was making dinner, determined to take a little bath on her own. Her screams got me running. She had turned the faucet on full blast so the water shot straight up onto the ceiling, showering the walls and flooding the bathroom floor (sorry, Dad). I don't know much about bidet use, but I can't imagine how a human being could require (or enjoy)the potential power wash a bidet seems to offer.

Judges Do It Too

June 30 2006 at 09:59PM

Bristow, Oklahoma - A US jury has sentenced an
Oklahoma judge to one year in prison for using a penis
pump on the bench during three murder trials and a
civil case in 2002 and 2003.

Donald D Thompson, 59, was convicted on Thursday and
fined $10 000 (about R130 000) for each count.
Thompson told the jury he would also lose his $90
000-a-year pension.

The verdict, which exposed the judge's
behind-the-bench secrets, capped a bizarre and awkward
chapter in the state's judicial history.

Thompson's longtime court reporter, Lisa Foster, wept
on the stand as she recalled how she discovered the
source of a "sh-sh" sound in the courtroom. She said
she spied Thompson's penis inside the pump through a
small gap between a drawer and a door.

'I should have thrown it away, but I didn't'
Foster said she later saw Thompson's penis 15 to 20
times over the course of three years. She also saw him
shave his scrotum and urinate into a trashcan behind
the bench.

"I was really shocked and kind of scared, because it
was so bizarre," Foster said. "I didn't know what to
do."

The defence maintained that the charges were part of a
vendetta by local police to overthrow Thompson.

The judge denied ever using the pump - a device used
in the hope of enlarging the penis or combating
erectile dysfunction - saying it was a joke gift from
his best friend in 2001.

He said he moved the pump back and forth between his
bench and chambers but never used it on his penis.

"Twenty-twenty hindsight: I should have thrown it
away, but I didn't," Thompson said.

The white-handled pump sat on an evidence table in
front of the jury throughout the trial, and both the
prosecution and defence at times picked it up and
squeezed the handle for effect.

Jurors also heard court reporter's tapes from each
trial, and a rhythmic, high-pitched whoosh of air
punctuated emotional witness testimony in the murder
trials.

Testimony in the judge's trial drew giggles and
embarrassed glances from jurors and the gallery in
this conservative Oklahoma hamlet, 96km north-east of
Oklahoma City.

Several witnesses said Thompson often made himself at
home behind the bench, removing his shoes to shine
them and clip his toenails, spitting tobacco into a
cup and fidgeting with an electronic organiser. - Sapa-AFP

Good Man, You

I'm really proud of Warren Buffett for giving 31 billion dollars to the Gates Foundation. When I first read the headline, I was flabbergasted by the idea of having an extra 31 billion dollars to donate. But then I learned that it constitutes 85% of his wealth. He'll still have billions (I think. Damn math. Where's my calculator?) left over, so I suppose it is extra money anyway. But that was really generous. Thank you, Mr. Buffett. I hope it does much good.

The 'Hood

My neighbor Roland recently bought a brand new Land-N-Sea cruiser. It's a cross between a 30 foot motor home and a catamaran. I know this because he has parked it outside his ramshackle house. He had to put it half-way on the side walk so it wouldn't block the street. I suppose that was considerate, at least to the cars. The boat is called a "Lil' Hobo," but he spent the other afternoon carefully removing the "b" and the "o." I suppose "Lil' Ho" does blend in better with the neighborhood.

Signs of Dependence

My vicodin instruction sheet told me to watch for signs of dependence. Apparently those signs include "feeling that you cannot live without this medicine." A most helpful example.

The Toe

I broke my big toe the other morning...Lily had "watered" the stairs. Luckily it didn't happen on 6/6/06 or else I might have become suspicious that she was the Omen child.

I really enjoyed the four hours I spent in the emergency room. Seriously. I knew it would take a while so I brought my book, and essentially viewed it as much needed quiet time. It was also really slow in the ER - aside from my toe, there was just one woman having a heart attack, so I didn't mind waiting patiently for my turn.

The hospital chaplain came to visit me. "So, are you The Toe?"
"Yes, I suppose I am"
He asked me how I was doing and if I needed to talk about it.
"You mean talk about my toe? Well, it hurts, but I think I'll make it through this"
"I'm sure you will."

Narration

Perhaps because they are so thrilled with the new things they can do – or because they want to make full use of their expanding verbal skills, 3 year olds tend to narrate their every move. They don’t just run, for example they do so while screaming, "I’m running!!!"

Lily and I were at a local pizza joint recently when she announced (loudly, holding her self front and back) that she had to go to the bathroom (really badly!). We entered one of the several stalls in the women’s bathroom and her narration began at full volume.

"Mom, I have to poop.....I’m going to push really hard......unnnnnnnnnnngh......unnnnnnnngh..... (her face turns bright red. I start to giggle, as do the several women in the adjoining stalls).
"It’s coming, mommy!!........Oh wow, I got a really big one out!!!....... Am I making you laugh, mommy?..... No, I’m not done, a got a lot more poop in me......I’m going to push really, really hard again......oh, I need to rest a little bit (big sigh)..... okay now I’m going to push again.....there’s another poop, mommy!......Why are you laughing, mommy?....Okay, I’m all done.....You can wipe my butt.