Truth

"In a world congested with falsity, the anus becomes the final unimpeded outlet to truth, the last bastion of rebelllion where life force is stored and preserved. "

-- Han Shaogong, A Dictionary of Maqiao

Lazy Parents

Lily didn't get what she wanted the other day (gum for breakfast? Molly's special toy?) and had commenced her strategy of parental torture, hoping we'd give in. This entailed lying on her back in her pink fleece nightgown, whining as she scooted herself in circles around us on the floor. Shaun turned to me.
"Shall I put her in her room?"
"I don't know. She's not whining that loudly, and she is cleaning the floor."
"True."
"Although it would work a lot better if she were wet."

We didn't get to hose her down. I guess Lily picked up from our conversation that her tactics had backfired. She stopped whining and wandered off to play in her room.

Blind?

While I was in a movie theater, a blind woman walked past me down the aisle. I assumed she was blind because she had to use her white cane to find a seat. I found it rather odd. I had difficulty concentrating on the film (Syriana, which did require some concentration), because I kept wondering what she was experiencing. I left after the first two hours because I got bored with the film. She didn't.

Milk

We got lost in Chicago. We rented a car downtown and hit the road with a thumbnail map of the area around the rental car place and vague directions to the freeway. It didn’t take us long to drive off the map, miss an important turn, and end up in some distant neighborhood. If we didn’t live in the ‘hood at home, we might have been nervous. We stopped at a drive-through ‘restaurant’ for some edibles. Shaun ordered milk for the girls.
“Do you want white milk or black milk?” asked the (black) lady behind the counter.
“Excuse me?”
“Do you want white milk or black milk?”
“Uh… white milk, please.”
“We’re all out of white milk.”

I don’t think we passed her test. But we did get our food. And eventually found the freeway.

Resolutions

I didn't make any resolutions this year. I'm just going to keep on truckin'.

Ruby Canyon

Our train was ten hours late coming in to Chicago. One of our unscheduled stops was in Ruby Canyon next to an abandoned freight train.

Galesburg, Illinois

My family and I recently took the train from the Bay Area to Chicago. We passed through Galesburg, Illinois at night.

Sexy Trees

I thought tree faces would go the way of the haircutting umbrella – something you find in a catalog full of equally odd items that never reach mainstream. I was wrong. It seems to be catching on. Just google “tree face” and you’ll see. At first I was worried, you know, about where America was heading and all that. But then it occurred to me that this could be the answer to our deforestation problems. If the trees looked more like people, then maybe people wouldn’t cut them down. But it would probably work better if the faces were more attractive. And female. And sexy. That would give tree-hugging a whole new dimension.

First Crush

My daughter, Lily, has her first crush. She’s three. She has fallen for my cousin Niall. He’s almost 30. Lily is a social and friendly child who has been known to hug and kiss a perfect stranger. But it’s different with Niall. She’s giggly and nervous around him and won’t leave his side. Niall earned Lily’s devotion by joining her for tea. This was a complicated process involving a couple hundred pink and purple beads and a plastic singing teapot. For some reason, she called him “Karen” for a while. Now she refers to him as “the Man.”

Niall told her he had to use the bathroom. Lily ran ahead of him to the guest bathroom. Apparently unaware of the social aspects of toilet use, Niall went the opposite direction. I found Lily sitting atop the commode, wiggling in excited anticipation. When asked if I could use the toilet, Lily responded, “No, mommy. The Man has to go to the bathroom.”
“Who?”
“The Man.”
“Who is the Man?”
“The Man is my friend!”
She was crushed to learn that not only had the Man evaded her company, but also that she would not be allowed to join him. Fortunately, his reappearance quelled any further ado.

Haircutting Umbrella

Though I don't like reading newspapers, I do enjoy perusing the occasional catalog. Especially those which support the inventive spirit. I had never before considered how handy a haircutting umbrella could be. Now I think about it all the time.

If you feel you need one, you can buy it here.

Sad Drips

Lily told me she was sad at Susie's the other day. She said sad drips fell from her eyes.

Lily will be three tomorrow.

G as in God

I spent a few years billing insurance companies for a psychologist. Most of my working time was spent on the phone with customer service or managed care, trying to get claims paid. Inevitably, there would come a time when I had to spell a patient's name. Early on, before I became familiar with the standards of "C as in Charlie" and "N as in Nancy," my spelling practices often resulted in fits of giggles on both ends of the phone line. Or worse, my own mounting laughter was quelled by business-like acknowledgments (or a lack-thereof, depending on how you look at it).

"'G' as in ... ah ... 'God'; 'I' as in 'Insane' (always appropriate as I was dealing with the mental health department); 'D' as in... um... 'Donkey'; 'E' as in 'Egg'; 'O as in 'Octagonal'; and 'N' as in 'Nun'. Gideon."

Though my initial forays in to letter/word association were innocent, I became aware of an opportunity to apply my literary background to my current line of work. Thematic spelling might spark inspiration in the customer service rep who must be as bored with her job as I was. Possibilities seem endless, from the crude: 'H' as in 'Hairy'; 'A' as in 'Anus'; ... to the devine: "'H' as in 'Heaven'; 'A' as in 'Angels'....

My stepfather, Patrick, apparently has a similar "problem" with letter/word association. My mother came up with a simple, yet ingenious solution, which I believe can be universally applied.
"Patrick. That's
'P' as in 'Patrick',
'A' as in 'Atrick',
'T' as in 'Trick',
'R' as in 'Rick',
'I' as in 'Ick', and
'CK' as in 'Cuh'.

Man Van

I generally don't like to read newspapers because they don't make me laugh. But the other day I came across two items worthy of note. First was in a letter to Dear Abby. A man was troubled over his nephew's requirement that anyone who wished to come to his wedding had to submit a 75 word essay detailing the reasons why s/he should be invited. A unique and clever way to develop an intimate guest list. Even Dear Abby thought so.

Second item: Terri Hatcher, Desperate Housewife, was suing some foreign paper for slander. Apparently the paper reported that she keeps a van full of men parked outside her Los Angeles home to service her sexual needs. They don't go into her house, she just climbs into the van with them. I believe the story. So I guess it's a good thing that she's suing.